Tainted
by Elizabeth Wilde
Summary: Anakin reflects on why he chose the Dark Side and how the choice has affected his life.


Author: Aloysius  
Title: Tainted  
Series: Anakin & Amidala: The Missing Years #2  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks me for it, http://members.tripod.com/aloysiusj [my site]  
Disclaimer: I don't own any SW characters or the song "Wait" by Sarah McLachlan. Don't sue!  
'Ship: Anakin/Amidala  
Classification: angst/vignette  
Summary: Anakin reflects on why he chose the Dark Side and how the choice has affected his life.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: Phantom Menace  
Feedback: to aloysiusj@yahoo.com  
Notes: If you want to see the nice, html-d version, go to http://members.tripod.com/aloysiusj/tainted.html  
  
~Under a blackened sky   
far beyond the glaring streetlights   
sleeping on empty dreams   
the vultures lie in wait   
You lay down beside me then   
you were with me every waking hour   
so close I could feel your breath~   
Whenever I lay down to fall asleep, all I can think about is you, how I should be with you. I know that I don't deserve to be, but... I love you so much. Being away from you even for a moment kills me. I die a bit more every day we spend apart. Maybe I'm already dead. It's hard to tell without you by my side. When I was with you, I knew I was living. No matter what, you always stood by me. Now there's no one beside me. Not anyone that matters, anyway. In your arms, there was peace. Complete, total peace. But when we were apart . . . I think that is when the darkness set in. Doubts. They ate at me. I never was good enough for you. And training was so boring. I could do everything so easily. I don't think Obi-Wan ever knew what to do with me. I know that he tried, but there was really nothing he could teach me. About being a Jedi, at least.   
~Pressed up against the glass   
I found myself wanting sympathy   
but to be consumed again   
oh I know would be the death of me   
and there is a love that's inherently given   
a kind of blindness offered to appease   
and in that light of forbidden joy   
oh I know I won't receive it~   
I watched you on the holonews the other day like I did before we were together. Still beautiful. Always beautiful. Radiant. It's hard to believe someone so stunning ever wanted to have anything to do with me. I watched the way you carried yourself. So graceful. More than anything else, I wanted to be at your side again, holding your hand, holding you close after the conference. Do you remember how we used to sneak away from dinners early? We would go back to our quarters. Sometimes we would just lay there together. Just being together. Nothing could ever compare to that feeling. But I chose my path. And I can't let myself see you again. It's hard enough seeing you on that flat, cold screen. If you stood in front of me, there is no way I could ever break away. That would be dangerous. For both of us.   
~You know if I leave you now   
it doesn't mean that I love you any less   
it's just the state I'm in   
I can't be good to anyone else like this~   
I thought that being more powerful would make me more worthy of you. I know. You always told me that I was more than worthy. I suppose I just never believed it. Now by trying to make myself more what you deserve, I've destroyed everything. You think I'm some kind of monster. And maybe I am. I don't know who I am anymore. I lost myself when I lost you. Now I'm just an empty shell. Certainly you deserve more than that. At least you deserve a whole person. A good person. I don't think I am anymore. I've gone too far, let them take too much. I won't let it touch you anymore. I can't. I've hurt you too much already. I know I'm the reason that you look so tired, so much older. I caused that.   
~When all we wanted was the dream   
to have and to hold that precious little thing   
like every generation yields   
the new born hope unjaded by their years...~   
When we first fell in love, everything seemed so simply, so clear! It was just you and me. Then I got insecure. Not because of you! In your eyes, I know I could have done no wrong. The eyes of love. Blind eyes. But I saw. I saw all of the things that you could have had. All the wonderful opportunities you gave up to be with me. Me! Too late now. Everything is ruined. I ruined it. And I know you're pregnant. I can tell that much through what's left of our bond. I hope it's a little girl, a beautiful girl who looks just like her mother. You'll be a wonderful mother. I wish I could be a father. But our child deserves to be free of this darkness that has taken over me and destroyed us. Save it, Padme! Save our child for whatever is left of our love, for whatever is left of me.   
  



End file.
